Flying the Friendly Skies

Last weekend I had the pleasure of flying from CO to UT with these three:

My regular gig is NY to UT or CO and back, so the 50 minute flight didn't scare me a bit. The only variable that made me nervous was that when I purchased my tickets, there were only 5 seats left... 5 seats all over the aircraft. The best the ticket agent could do when I checked in was give me 2 seats together, and Scout was a row behind us. They assured me they would speak to the person who was to complete the row with Calder, Oz and I to see if they would switch with Scout.

On the way out, this plan worked without a hitch. I mean honestly, wouldn't you rather not sit in a row with the baby Carrie has dubbed, "The Wrecking Ball"? I really thought I was doing these people a favor by having them switch with Scout. The only thing that happened on the outbound flight that bugged me was the stewardess asked me to put headphones on the baby, who was watching Dora on my laptop. Yeah, right. I explained that there was no chance he'd wear them, and then she snottily said, "Well, it's just common courtesy for the other passengers. They shouldn't have to listen to that." I knew for a fact that no one around me had complained, AND they were all wearing headphones. Plus I could barely hear it... there's no way anyone a row behind us could. I said back, "I'm sure they'd rather hear Dora than him screaming" and turned away from her.

On our return flight, I got on the plane first so I wouldn't have to ask someone to move who was already settled. We sat there and waited, and waited, and finally one of the last people on the plane was an attractive girl in her late 20's. She approached me with a demeaning, "you're an idiot in my seat" smile, and said, "I'm in 22C." I asked very nicely if she would mind switching with Scout, who was nervous to sit alone. She glanced at the row behind us, rolled her eyes, sighed loudly, and said, "Well, it would be a HUGE inconvenience." 

Really? Huge? What planet is this girl living on? Rather than backing down, since she clearly didn't want to sit ONE ROW BACK, I met her gaze head on and said as nicely as possible, "I would REALLY appreciate it." I mean seriously. Would she rather sit by Oz and I? Didn't she realize I was doing her a massive favor? Finally she said, "Oh all right..." and walked by, all annoyed. The family behind us had been shuffled around by the airline as well, so they could be together, and the woman and her 14-ish daughter asked her if she'd rather have the aisle or the window, and the diva was like, "Whatever. It doesn't matter. I'm on airplanes all the time." She took the aisle seat diagonal from me.

Normally Oz is pretty squirrely, but I  I amped it up so it would look like a full blow wrestling match to her, so she would maybe realize she was better off NOT in her seat. He had been acting weird all day long, and I knew something was strange when he turned down a Lego fruit snack. Suddenly he turned around and threw up ALL OVER Calder and I. And both seats. It was EVERYWHERE and smelled horrible. Calder was so grossed out he started dry heaving a little bit, and I panicked and threatened to take away his Nintendo DS if he tossed his cookies. I was trying to clean up with the wet wipes I had but it was everywhere. Luckily we were taxiing by this point, so I didn't have to endure it for too long. 

Often I have moments where I wish I were my friend Ashley, who always has perfect comebacks for annoying people, and delivers her comments with the right amount of humor and venom. It was evident to everyone at least 3 rows ahead and behind us what had happened, mostly because a mentally challenged teenager in front of us popped up in his seat, turned around, and started yelling, "EWWWWWWWWWWW. DISGUSTING!!! GROSS!!! UGH!!!" I was so focused on cleaning up the mess, and getting out of there, I didn't think till later how much I wished I had looked her in the eye and said, "Bet you're glad you didn't sit by us!!!" or something along those lines. 

Oh, Oz. Your timing was impeccable, as always.